Dispossessing the Dispossessed

Anger. Depression. Feelings that I fear to feel. Where do they come from? When do the arise? If I observe the thoughts that arouse my anger and my subsequent feelings of depression without judgment, would my thoughts pass on leaving my mind at peace? Or would I then be able to observe my thoughts and not be moved by them and buffeted about by them?
I have observed that I have always held to some sense of injustice taking place in the world. To those characters of history such as,
Clan Gregor of the Highlands (to whom I may be of blood),
Daniel Shays,
Tecumseh,
inhabitants of the Western Mass flooded towns,
and Smedley Butler, just to name a few. I can relate and I don't understand why. It is not that I have been so dispossessed of land and livelihood such as these. I have also observed that I hold to a cynics view of Government; that Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, was a short lived spurt of idealism that disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared.
This is my guiding rudder. Where does it come from? Can I hold to these opinions and let go of my anger? Can I let go of my opinions?

The lack of understanding is the basis for every internal knot. It is difficult for our mind to accept that it has negative feelings like anger, fear, and regret, so it finds ways to bury these in remote areas of our consciousness. We create elaborate defense mechanisms to deny their existence, but these problematic feelings are always trying to surface. If we practice mindfulness, we can learn the skill of recognizing a knot the moment it is tied in us and finding ways to untie it. Internal formations need our full attention as soon as they form, while they are still loosely tied, so that the work of untying them will be easy. Thich Nhat Hanh

It was an old pair of boots that felt as comfortable as old friends. They helped me traverse the highs and the lows, the sand and the bog. One day became two and the knot in my laces was thus ignored. It had been an arduous climb and my legs and my hands were gnarled with knotted pain. The knots in my laces were easily dismissed at my journeys start. Now, with painful hands looking at hard and dried laces, the work of untying them seemed near impossible.

I am hopeful but tired. Very tired.

Violence

"When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European, or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence. So a man who is seeking to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind." Krishnamurti

A beginning....

It is said that "developing ourselves through loving kindness meditation will help us overcome anger, resentment and hurt. It helps us to empathize more, and to be more considerate, kind, and forgiving. We can also learn to appreciate others more. We learn to be more patient. We also cultivate Metta towards ourselves, so that we experience less internal conflict, and learn to appreciate ourselves more." (source)
"When we practice this meditation, we start with ourselves. That is, we aim to feel more appreciative of ourselves first of all: more integrated and less prone to internal conflicts, before we attempt to develop positive feelings toward anyone else. The basic psychological principle that Buddhists recognize here is that if we can't feel good about ourselves, then we are less likely to be able to feel good about other people." (source)

Let me begin by saying that I was first introduced to meditation in the late 1980's from my Feldenkrais teacher. You see, I suffered a severe back injury that left me on disability for half a decade. This opened for me an opportunity to explore the mind body connection and how it was that I might be aiding or perpetuating my cycle of stress and pain. Awareness through movement (ATM) created an exploration into self responsibility. After reading books by the likes of authors such as Bernie Seigal and Claire Weekes, I began to see how my mind may aid to my cycle of stress and pain. I began to look upon my pain as my friend and teacher. The Feldenkrais teacher introduced me to a set of meditation cassettes produced by her Taoist husband. I began to learn the Inner Smile Meditation.

Things opened quickly. I began to experience new insights. I was happier in spite of my pain. My sense of personal and communal intuition was uncanny. I understood myself and others in a new way. I explored and participated in acupuncture. This also was an immense help. It brought a strong reflex and sensation back to my left leg which had been lifeless since my injury. For the first time in many years, I began to live a life of great expectations.

It was a new beginning.

Anger

Anger he smiles, towering in shiny metallic purple armour
Queen jealousy, envy waits behind him
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground

Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,
They quietly understand
Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,
But wonder why the fight is on

But theyre all bold as love, yes, theyre all bold as love
Yeah, theyre all bold as love
Just ask the axis

I am fifty four years old. That means that I have lived more than one half of my life. With age, it is possible to accumulate regret as a ship gathers barnacles upon her massive hull. But it isn't just regret over mistakes or missed opportunities that makes me angry. Anger and depression perpetuates itself. It begins as one or two bullies within your internal schoolyard. Like the little foxes that spoil the vine, one must guard against them making alliances and forming a gang. Before you know it, you've got half a playground of fist-throwing, knee-kicking inferiors tearing you apart from the inside out.

I have been guilty of encouraging some who suffer from depression to "feel better." As anyone who is or has been clinically depressed can tell you, "if I could just wake up one day and snap out of it, I would." I feel the tentacles of anger, which include depression and anxiety, with a steady dose of condemnation, sucking away at the marrow of my soul. Even that little fucker suicide has been beckoning. Now that really pisses me off!

I can spend days with anger and his cronies smoldering like a smothered fire deep in my gut. They must be exorcised.